Wednesday, September 10, 2008

A year of firsts comes to an end.

Every day since Labor Day I have dealt with reliving each day as is occurred this time last year. I thought that I would be able ot put all the bad things behind me. I was wrong. Chris went into the hospital on Labor Day last year, came home 1 week later, and passed away at home the very next day. I've tried very hard to keep good thoughts inside of me, but this past week has been a constant reminder of things that I just can't seem to shake. For example, the night that my neighbor Ray brought the boys to the hospital and Chris and I had to tell them what was going to happen to her/us. I was up most of the evening the other night reliving each word that we spoke to them that night.

I've tried so hard this past year to take care of our family as best as I can. Running the family on my own is very difficult and at times I sit up way late at night and just pray to God and to Chris and ask for guidance. I know she is with me and the kids each day and throughout the year we have done remarkably well. Many wonderful things have happened to us and many wonderful events have been put in place to honor Chris for many, many years to come.

This year was a year of firsts. All special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc) that we had to spend without having Chris there with us. Some were easier than others, but all of them were dealt with one day at a time. I am, and will always be, eternally grateful to all of my friends and neighbors that have been with me the last year. I could not have made it this far without you.

There are so many things about Chris that I miss so badly. So many that it would be impossible to list them all here. But the one thing that I miss the most is her being a mother. I've stepped up and had to do many things over the last year, cooking, cleaning, shopping, schoolwork, church, but the one thing that I CANNOT do is be a Mom.... I can't even begin to try. This has been the most difficult thing for me to deal with.

One year ago tonight I, along with family, sat with Chris and watched as God came down and took her from this earth to be with him. I know in my heart that she is there in a wonderful place and is waiting for me. Waiting for all of us...

I post this with tears in my eyes and pain in my heart. Tomorrow will come soon and we will deal with this final "first" in some way. The tears will dry, but the pain will still be there for a long time to come.

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